Saturday, January 24, 2009

Let the confessions begin...

Gracious, where do I start today's post? I have so very much to say. I am really at a crossroads in my life. So much has happened and there is so much that needs to happen. There is so much to share. When I started this blog, I thought it would be a great way to share my knitting experiences with other knitters while I kept a chronicle of my work for myself. As I have made friends in this wonderful world of knitter and mom-blogs I have felt compelled to share so much more than just my knitting. I feel that the friends I am making are very real and this is how we communicate. Well, this and Twitter! So that is the turn my blogging is taking. Of course I will still be sharing all of my knitting stuff, but I feel the need to really open up personally as well. And so, here begins the sharing of my confessions, my thoughts and my life. Grab a cup of coffee. This post is a bit lengthy, but I hope you'll stick around!

About the state of my spirit.
I began reading my Bible again today. Since Wayne left me back in March of last year I have been running from God. I knew it. I know that it was because I wanted to be selfish and deal with my wounds my way and I knew in my heart that my way was not God's way. I have been praying that God would work on my heart and draw me close to him again, because my mind and soul know that I need Him, but my heart just has not been in it. Lo-and-behold, God is answering my prayers. Today I woke up with an intense desire to read His word so, I did. The very first verse that I read hit me up side the head like a ton of bricks!

A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment.
-Proverbs 18:1, NKJV
WOW! You see, I haven't just been "hiding" from God, I was isolating myself from everyone, especially my Christian friends, for fear disapproval and 'wise judgment'.

My prayer.
Thank you God for opening my eyes to this. Thank you for answering my prayers and drawing me close to you again. Thank you God for your grace and unconditional love. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Now, while I am sharing confessions...

About my weight & health.
I am a big girl. I have a large frame to begin with and I have always struggled with my weight. When I was in school and weighed a mere 115 lbs I felt fat because my friends who weighed more than I did wore clothes 2 or more sizes smaller than me. At 16, I married the first guy who showed me any real attention; unfortunately he was very possessive and obsessive and used my insecurities about my weight to verbally abuse me and make me feel worthless so that I would stay with him thinking that I couldn't do any better. Thank the good Lord above for giving me enough sense to quickly get out of that situation. Once I was on my own again, I started coming to terms with my body. I learned that men like curves, and boy did I have 'em! When I turned 18 I met Wayne who accepted and loved me and my body just the way it was and soon we got married and were having babies. Can we say baby-fat? In '92 I joined Weight Watchers and lost 35 lbs! I weighed less than I did when Wayne and I got together and I felt good! I kept most of the weight off for a year or so, but Wayne and I began having problems and being an emotional eater, I packed it all back on with interest. Over the last 6 years our marriage has seen many ups & downs and my bathroom scale has consistently seen a series of ups. I have tried to go back to WW numerous times, but I just can't seem to stick with it. I have considered gastric bypass surgery, but I just really feel God telling me that it's not the way He wants me to go. That pretty much brings me to now.

This morning I stepped on the scale again. I weigh 308.2 lbs. Do you know how hard it is to share that with you? I am considered 'morbidly obese'. It is time. I have to get serious about getting healthy. Would you like to join me? At the very least, I need some accountability; so, I will continue to blog about my quest for a healthier me. I plan to not focus as much on weight loss per say as eating healthier and being more active. I have no doubts that the pounds will come off just as a side effect of a healthier lifestyle.

Ok, I think that I have rambled on enough for one post. I will share more later when your eyes have had a chance to rest!
I do indeed love and appreciate you all!
Big hugs,
Photobucket


20 comments:

cjkris said...

Kudos to you for picking up your Bible again! I just started reading mine on a regular basis recently after it had been accumulating dust for quite some time and have felt my trust in Him growing each day. I would love to encourage you on your journeys to rely on God's word and to take control over your weight. I too suffer from emotional eating and being overweight. Maybe we can encourage each other to eat better, exercise, or whatever!

Blessings,
Kris
BathNBeads

A Knitting Junkie said...

Oh Kris, I would love that! You can dm me via Twitter, or email me via the kontact me button that I have in the sidebar of my blog anytime. Thank you so much for your encouragement and blessings!
Hugs,
Anita

Suzzanne said...

Anita, that was a really brave post. You don't need me to tell you that your total value is not in a number on the scale but it's good for us to strive to be healthy. I struggle with weight too, so I get you there. I picked up a few books today call Eat This, Not That, have you heard of them? It's not a diet book, per se, just tells you what brands to look for in the store. It looks interesting, so far.

Good luck on your spiritual journey, as well.

A Knitting Junkie said...

Suzzanne, thank you so much for your encouraging words. No, I haven't heard of them. Let me know what you think when you're done reading them.
Hugs,
Anita

KittsKrafts said...

I'm glad you were brave enough to post your confessions. I know that must have been hard to do. Your honesty will reward you dear. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs and good wishes!
=^..^=

A Knitting Junkie said...

Kitt,
Thank you so much love. Your encouragement, thoughts and prayers mean alot.
Hugs,
Anita

Patt said...

Anita gurl, yea for you. Confessions are good for the soul. And guess what here is mine. I'm 4'11" and I weigh 343!! I'm barely able to walk around in my own home because of my arthritis. But I'm happy, I love myself and God loves me too!! Just as he loves you. I will join you in living a more healthy lifestyle!!
Hugs Patt

Daniele said...

Every time I read my bible I find something new that the Lord wants me to see. Not to mention the comfort it brings me to be doing something that he wants me to do (reading his word). Of course, that doesn't stop me from neglecting it at times. We just need to keep at it!

I read in a magazine yesterday that getting at least 8 hours of sleep a day will help you lose weight as well. Had you ever heard that? Neat, huh? I think I'm going to try it!! It definitely can't hurt.

Thanks for sharing. Dani

A Knitting Junkie said...

Oh my dear friend Patt,
You brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing with me. That really meant alot. I have been getting to the point that it is hard for me to do normal things, and I don't have arthritis...it is solely because of my weight.

I am so glad you are going to join me!
Huge hugs and many blessings,
Anita

A Knitting Junkie said...

Hi Dani!
It is something how God blesses us with just what we need if only we will take the time to read His word, huh? I just have to remember that when I get off-track instead of staying off, I need to get back on.

I have heard that sleep helps as well. I definitely am not sleep deprived, and rarely get less than 8 hours a night. If it helps, I'd hate to see what I'd weigh if I got less sleep!

Let me know how it works for you.
Hugs...
Anita

Garden Veggies said...

Dear Friend,

It is so good to be open:) I am sure God will bless you for being so faithful.

Keep reading your Bible!! Keep remembering how much God loves you because He does. He will help you lose this weight and He will give you more joy then the world could ever offer!!

Renee

A Knitting Junkie said...

Renee, thank you so much for your words of encouragement.
Hugs...
Anita

theresa said...

You know, I could have written this! I tend to withdraw into myself when life feels overwhelming ... which is most of the time! :/

I also have a serious weight problem, and have fought it with minimal success all my life.

I'll be praying for you. {{{HUGS}}}

Theresa
http://www.twitter.com/kidzanddogs/

A Knitting Junkie said...

Theresa,
My life is overwhelming most of the time as well...and I ALWAYS withdraw into myself.
This weight thing is killing me! Both figuratively and literally I know.

I will be praying for you as well hun.
Huge hugs,
Anita

Marianne Thomas said...

Anita - it takes a LOT of courage to post about such painful parts of your life.

Keep trying. Keep praying. Go easy on yourself -- remember that small changes are easier to stick with over time. You can do this!

I've given you an award! Click here to grab the button. Be sure to pass it on!

Marianne @ The New Frugal Mom.

Jennifer said...

Congratulations. It sounds as if your making the right choices for the right reasons! It's hard to do and even harder to admit to the world! I admire you and you are an inspiration! Most of us out here struggle with both our faith and weight at some points in our lives. I don't know I'd have the guts to share as publicly as you have so you deserve the award Marianne sent you! BTW-Thanks for voting for my kitty!

Casual Friday Everyday said...

Anita, I'd like to send you a nice big warm virtual hug since I can;t do it in person.

Here you go... :arms out, giving a hug:... could you feel it? Hope so.

:--) Nell
CasualFridayEveryday.com
Twitter.com/casualeveryday

A Knitting Junkie said...

Marianne, Thank you so very much!

Jenn, your words warmed my heart.

Nell, I definitely feel your hug. Thank you! Girl, I just love ya!

I truly feel blesses guys. I am moved to tears. I cannot thank you all enough.

Hugs,
Anita

Rebecca said...

I found your blog as one of my blog followers :>)

Oh! How much courage it must've taken you to write this post! I'm all about the baby steps towards health, whether that be Spiritual health, physical, emotional, etc. I think putting everything down in words is a huge step in the right direction. I'll be following along to see how you're doing :>)

P.S. I have a Healthy Food blog as well, where I share about my journey towards health too. Visit when you can :>)

A Knitting Junkie said...

Thank you so much for stopping by Rebecca! I have actually been following you in my Google Reader for a while, but I just love the "follow me" app and when I seen that you had added it, I just had to "show some love"!

Thank you for your kind words.
I am heading over right now to visit your Healthy Food blog.

Big Hugs,
Anita